Monday, May 24, 2010

Growing Pains

My computer and car both died this month. Family life grinds to a halt as my husband wraps up the school year. I snuck his laptop from the briefcase, hoping to share about our nightime prayers and how they are really changing our kids.

But Andrew burst into tears at bedtime tonight: "Mom, something pretty terrible happened at lunch today."

The class had been invited to bring games to class this week. He and another boy were the only ones without a handheld DS. "Sometimes they let me watch over their shoulders, so I can at least see what's going on." (insert sound of my heart breaking)

One friend offered to let him play after lunch, but the alpha-kid vetoed that. "You don't even know how to work the controls, and you'll mess up all our levels."

"Mom, I didn't cry, but I couldn't keep my eyes from getting a little wet."

When the aide, noticing, announced that no one should bring a DS the following day, the boys turned on Andrew. He had ruined everything. Torn, he explained the lose-lose situation to his teacher after lunch. She would allow DS games the following day.

During the whole exchange, he never asked me for one of his own.

Should I cast aside our family choices under social pressure? Will he think we don't love him, for refusing him the tools to fit in?

Finding like-minded families may mean withdrawing from the system altogether, and that makes me sad. I wanted to enjoy this innocent time, without influence from a bunch of 8-year-olds.

Or maybe I'm the innocent one, and it is time to grow up.
Posted by Meredith at 8:29 PM
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7 comments:

  1. I have only my own commiseration to share, no advice. Our oldest has a DS which he bought with his own money and gift cards. My six year old has been asking for one, but we put him off by saying that he had to wait until he was 8 which is when the oldest happened to get his. However, my husband and I aren't happy with the amount of time our oldest has spent on the electronic stuff which has been a struggle through the years.

    Some kids could take or leave the electronic stuff, and other kids become addicted to some extent. Initially, for a period of several years, it was addicting for my oldest, but there were other issues going on in our family. The electronics may have been his escape. My six year old seems to be slightly addicted, too, and he has difficulty transitioning from one thing to another. Again, electronics may be a bit of an escape for him.

    Honestly, I think we may decide to stick to the Wii and Nintendo 64 since they can serve as a family activity. The time the little ones spend on the computer is actually done together as a group - just the way they operate. I think we'll say no more DS for anyone else. Or any other hand held system.

    I have an Ipod myself, but no games on it. I do download stories for the kids to listen to, and songs/CDs, but that's it. I don't want to encourage using the Ipod as a game player.
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  2. The Lord will guide you. I can relate so well to these problems, but I have some children that are young adults now, and it gives me a different perspective. While you feel like you are stumbling around in the dark trying to guide your children, the reality is that as along as you keep praying for guidance and have the true desire to do God's Will--God is leading you. This incident will probably be just a bump in the road. My son who experienced this type of event most frequently just graduated from high school and will attend Josephinum Seminary in the fall. My aching heart and fretting for him were my human reaction, but God was strengthening him for something better. I still fret, but have learned to trust better that these experiences can be formational in a manner that I cannot see.

    The same is true for like minded families. That may be exactly God's call for your family in support and strength. In our case, we never found like minded families in our area, but I can see how God strengthened me with that circumstance. He also opened my heart to love all of the families in my little village and parish--despite not being "like minded." I've learned from them as I hope that they have learned from me.
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  3. Meredith, I feel your pain. The gaming thing seems to mean more to boys than to girls. Our son is the reason most of the computer, Wii, and DSI games are in our house. It's only gotten worse with age. I say worse, but he's a good boy and seeks out only games he thinks we'll approve of.

    He and his sisters wanted a DSI so badly that they made up a set of rules they were willing to live by and they agreed to save up for it on their own. It wasn't cheap! So we reluctantly agreed.

    I think it helps to allow some of these things in so long as they are tightly regulated by Mom and Dad. But it is definitely a job keeping the lid on it! Even like-minded friends change their family rules sometimes, so the peer pressure can then be even greater. A hard call.
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  4. I'm always surprised that they let kids bring the DS to school in the first place. We have the same battle going on here. And my kids are leaning over the others' shoulders. It makes me sad, more than anything, that they would rather watch someone else play a video game than go play something else.

    I keep telling myself that one of these days they'll be glad they were brought up differently. I was always secretly proud of my outsider status growing up.
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  5. My daughter would love a DS -- the neighbor kids have one, apparently -- but my husband and I are pretty firm about not having any gaming system in the house. Frankly, like Betty, I'm surprised at the teacher for letting the kids bring their DS to school. Great way to isolate kids into their own little electronic worlds.

    I feel for Andrew, though. It's hard to be one who's out in the cold, though if it wasn't gaming systems it would be the popular book series kids were passing around or trading cards or whatever the popular fad of the moment is. There will always be some form of exclusion going on at school -- that's how it was in my day, and my father's day, and since school began.
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  6. Our kids spent too many hours on electronics, even though we put limits on them. But it was a season. In hindsight, I worried way too much about it. Yes - way too much. The bottom line is our kids have turned out great - more than great (not bragging but thanking God.) Something to think about is this: The kids who came to our house who had limits on electronics -- that is all they wanted to do. They were obsessed with them. It burned my kids out because they wanted to play and do other things. The friend coming to visit could only think about electronics. I respect you and your husband's values and I loved reading this post, because I know you are such great parents. You will do the right thing, in the right time, and God will lead you. I'm thankful that He never left us! Elliot is graduating in 2 weeks! Miss you, Meredith! xo
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  7. Oh this breaks my heart for you. We do not have video games either, in the house or handheld. Shark Boy has played a few basic ones that are free on the Internet, but he doesn't ask very often because it just isn't part of our world. Maybe because we are at Catholic school, there are other families that don't do video games, so he's certainly not alone. (At least Andrew wasn't the only one.)

    This is SO HARD. I remember when I wouldn't let my daughter have Spice Girls CDs or go to the Spice World movie. I thought she'd hate me forever. ALL her friends went (and she wasn't just saying that - they really did!). She's 21 and if you brought up to now her she'd probably still glare at me. It won't be until she has kids that she'll get it.

    I'm torn on the DS to be perfectly honest. In one sense, I think if Mom and Dad are keepers of it, and bring it out at certain approved times and then take it back, and obviously choose the games, I don't think it's that bad of a thing. But then Shark hasn't asked for one, so I haven't been pushed on this (yet).

    I feel your pain. I love our school and our life, but about 12 times a week I want to quit work, move to the boonies, homeschool, etc... I don't know why that feels like the only real way to simplify and "go wholesome" but it does.
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